It’s been a year in October now, they’ve all moved on and though I haven’t literally moved… my seemingly static life has changed in a gazillion ways. The tight knight comfort pillow they once provided for me is now gone and all that is left is nostalgia. I miss them dearly… and think of them probably a lot more often than I imagine they do of me. The thought that I’m doing this alone, creates a knot in my throat and fills my eyes with tears. I hold back as best as I can but decide to let go when my radio station conveniently yet ever so dramatically plays a song that brings back yet another memory. She sings “I tried to tell myself you’re gone.. but though you’re still with me I’ve been alone” and visuals of distant far off lands and how things slowly but surely went sour consume me. I can not call them up and tell them all of this, I’ll fall apart…cry it all out and sob about how much I miss them and my greatest fear is that it won’t resonate with them the way it does in my heart...
I miss you guys.
I miss the random photos of feet….
The hysterical laughing and talking for hours on end about nothing and everything all a once….
I miss the sunflower fields…..
I miss laughing at the three hour speech to sponsor a mosque all in Turkish…
I miss body jamming…
I miss commenting about pretty earrings complemented by beautiful colored peshminas.
I miss the word “doooode” randomly placed in sentences
I miss the sarcasm
I miss the great big cups of tea
I miss the pleading to take photos and the joking around about fear of tabloids.
I miss rainbow colored beads that remind me of Sudan when I’ve never been to Sudan….
I miss insisting that the van needs steering wheel fluid to make the noise stop.
I miss making bets to see if she’ll run or not…. I miss her looking back and knowing we’re laughing at the way she runs.
I miss learning the phrase “are u taking the piss?”
I miss loitering at random coffee houses.
I miss baby pictures and screeching expressions of “mimi”.
I miss knowing that should the need arise, I have a go to person for movie trivia.
I miss arguing about entourage dude not being the jack and Jill dude.
I miss “a ooo eeee uuuu” ing in Montréal.
I miss pretending to be on a tv show outside moxie’s and the elbandarado commercial…
I miss shebshib sized shawermas..
I miss poooouuuutines
I miss the book of horoscopes
I miss screaming not to open the sink cabinet in fear of infestation.
I miss singing drumming and dancing to a song whose lyrics leave nothing in my memory but the way the word “shobraaaaa” is pronounced
I miss $5 dollar garbage bags to protect us from the rain.
I miss Canada day in Ottawa.
I miss dawlat getting all hissy when we didn’t turn on her command.
I miss laughing by the sphinx after Bedouin soundclash…
I miss knowing that the order at jacks would involve some sort of spring rolls, fries, burgers and chicken fingers.
I miss being taunted about picking the wrong movie.
I miss sharing beauty secrets about silky smooth black hair
I miss the way we were in the black and white photo of our tummies, the birthday balloon and the cupcake.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
In the pursuit of Happiness I strive....
Me: So this is what it means to be happy?
My response to me: I suppose…
Me: You suppose? Shouldn’t you know if you’re happy?
My response to me: I’ve never really stopped to think about it. Mind you I haven’t stopped to think I’m
unhappy either.
Me: so you’re suggesting that being happy is the lack of unhappy?
My response to me: That makes sense no? We all need a point of reference. Happiness is the lack of unhappiness.
Me: yeah but where does neutral fit into all that?
My response to me: hmm… you’re right… I suppose neutral would be what I just described.
Me: so you’re not happy then? You’re neutral?
My response to me: well no… not really I’d say I’m happy.
Me: how’s that? You don’t have a point of reference like you mentioned to draw a comparison against… well… unless you have a definition for happiness.
My response to me: It changes really. What I construe as happiness today isn’t really what it was yesterday.
Me: So with no static reference and a changing definition of happiness from one day to the next… essentially you could be happy today based on today’s definition but negate that statement about today tomorrow when you change your definition of happiness?
My response to me: yeah I suppose…
Me: Doesn’t that just mean you’re claiming to be happy when you’re not?
My response to me: well not really… why can’t I be happy on a day to day basis?
Me: I’ll accept you saying: based on today’s definition of happiness I am happy.
But when someone asks you if you’re happy don’t they mean in a generic overall sense?
My response to me: Yeah I suppose but being able to claim you’re generically happy would mean you’d have to keep something in the mix constant… seeing as how the circumstances of your life and mood change on a day to day basis, wouldn’t your definition of happiness by default have to assume a static role?
Me: Hmmm… not unless it’s a dynamic definition to which you add criteria as you grow.
something along the lines of :
You’re born: Happieness = Air available to breathe and cry
A few hours after being born Happiness = Air available to breathe and cry + warmth
A few hours later still Happiness = Air available to breath and cry + warmth + food available.
And it goes on and on and on… so as you grow your list of things that must be available for the condition of happiness to exist increase. The fulfillment of all the criteria then allows you to claim “I’m happy”
My response to me: Does this explain why it’s a lot harder to bring joy to an adult than it is a child?
Me: perhaps yeah… that’s a good point…
My response to me: Fair enough but then what happens if one of those criteria isn’t present?
Does that then make you unhappy? Is it an all or non situation? True or false with no middle ground?
My response to me: I suppose…
Me: You suppose? Shouldn’t you know if you’re happy?
My response to me: I’ve never really stopped to think about it. Mind you I haven’t stopped to think I’m
unhappy either.
Me: so you’re suggesting that being happy is the lack of unhappy?
My response to me: That makes sense no? We all need a point of reference. Happiness is the lack of unhappiness.
Me: yeah but where does neutral fit into all that?
My response to me: hmm… you’re right… I suppose neutral would be what I just described.
Me: so you’re not happy then? You’re neutral?
My response to me: well no… not really I’d say I’m happy.
Me: how’s that? You don’t have a point of reference like you mentioned to draw a comparison against… well… unless you have a definition for happiness.
My response to me: It changes really. What I construe as happiness today isn’t really what it was yesterday.
Me: So with no static reference and a changing definition of happiness from one day to the next… essentially you could be happy today based on today’s definition but negate that statement about today tomorrow when you change your definition of happiness?
My response to me: yeah I suppose…
Me: Doesn’t that just mean you’re claiming to be happy when you’re not?
My response to me: well not really… why can’t I be happy on a day to day basis?
Me: I’ll accept you saying: based on today’s definition of happiness I am happy.
But when someone asks you if you’re happy don’t they mean in a generic overall sense?
My response to me: Yeah I suppose but being able to claim you’re generically happy would mean you’d have to keep something in the mix constant… seeing as how the circumstances of your life and mood change on a day to day basis, wouldn’t your definition of happiness by default have to assume a static role?
Me: Hmmm… not unless it’s a dynamic definition to which you add criteria as you grow.
something along the lines of :
You’re born: Happieness = Air available to breathe and cry
A few hours after being born Happiness = Air available to breathe and cry + warmth
A few hours later still Happiness = Air available to breath and cry + warmth + food available.
And it goes on and on and on… so as you grow your list of things that must be available for the condition of happiness to exist increase. The fulfillment of all the criteria then allows you to claim “I’m happy”
My response to me: Does this explain why it’s a lot harder to bring joy to an adult than it is a child?
Me: perhaps yeah… that’s a good point…
My response to me: Fair enough but then what happens if one of those criteria isn’t present?
Does that then make you unhappy? Is it an all or non situation? True or false with no middle ground?
Me: I don’t know… sounds like a flaw in the theory….it doesn’t sit well does it? cuz there are instances where you’ve been happy under one set of circumstances and not happy at a later date… hmmm
My response to me:
So we’re back to where we started then… no point of reference no static definition and the presence of a dynamic one is of no value without having a rule that says how many criteria have to be fulfilled in order for you to be happy…. So How does one claim they’re happy?
Me: NO clue… I think therefore I am!?
My response to me: Classic… that’s code for “Managed to fuck myself up and now I’m shit out of ideas”?
Me: haha…. Pretty much…
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