The warm air, cleansing rain and grey overcast have, as they often do, sent me into deep thought. There are many things that surface on days like this. The general direction in which my life is headed and weather I’ve ultimately become anywhere remotely close to the person I’d hoped I’d have become at my age are just some to name a few. I’m constantly surprised at how much harder it becomes to make the right decision as you get older, I suppose it can be attributed to the fact that I’m just getting intrinsically better at seeing the many differing shades of grey between wrong and right.
Confronted with one moral dilemma after the next it seems as though I’ve submitted to hedonism far too often. And while it is momentarily gratifying it is ultimately accompanied by a sense of disappointment. Maybe that can partially be accredited to my sudden rekindled interest in Socrates’ works and the idea of having to separate oneself from worldly things to arrive at truth. What truth exactly I am unsure. My truth, my personal state of nirvana I suppose. Or perhaps I’m just going on a tangent and the explanation is far simpler. Maybe I’ve just become jaded by how hard it is to align what I’d like the world with me in it to look like with the reality that surrounds me. I am particularly disheartened by my depreciating associated value for the words I love you. Not particularly solely in a significant other kind of way but in an overall general sense. Friends I’d thought I’d “love” for ages upon ages to come have now become distant strangers where prolonged periods of awkward silence are the norm and hugs and kisses are sterile, abandoned by warmth and emotion, exchanged solely upon the merit of formality. Or perhaps it is self pity that consumes me and not disappointment. Perhaps I had undeservingly given my self the authority to assume I could not so soon be forgotten, set aside or disregarded. Or maybe it is neither disappointment nor self pity but isolation. Have I unintentionally heeded to a form of self imposed exile?
3 comments:
are you ok?
heh... I don't think i'm emotionally equipped to answer that question today. Thanks for asking though.
I want to comment on almost every line you wrote, which would turn into a conversation really...
"The general direction in which my life is headed and weather I’ve ultimately become anywhere remotely close to the person I’d hoped I’d have become at my age"
you probably formed those images when you weren't knowledgable enough about yourself or the world, those images we have of ourselves change as we learn, keeping that versatility in mind without giving up the few core beliefs that really do base who you are is tough, very tough, don't give up though, coz if you weren't doing well, you wouldn't be asking yourself these questions.
"I’m constantly surprised at how much harder it becomes to make the right decision as you get older, I suppose it can be attributed to the fact that I’m just getting intrinsically better at seeing the many differing shades of grey between wrong and right."
Right and wrong.. woo hoo, thats a big one :) i find myself constantly defining and redefining my own sense of right and wrong, stumbling in greys all in my absolute refusal to be conditioned any longer. You put it so well..
"Maybe I’ve just become jaded by how hard it is to align what I’d like the world with me in it to look like with the reality that surrounds me."
That would jade anyone... can we even pull that off?
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