The Suburban Disease

There’s this deep routed disease you particularly find in quaint little suburban towns that city people can’t seem to comprehend. It’s a phenomenon that seeps into the veins of its inhabitants and one breath at a time transforms lives. It’s a subtle take over marked by nothing hostile, stark or intrusive but it eventually causes the suburbanite to turn against everything that makes her who she is. This disease is called mediocrity. Having just enough means to sit comfortably in a state of limbo but falling short of enough to achieve greatness. The routine goes as follows
work on weekdays.. for about 8 hours
Nap after work for about an hour
Dinner and clean up about another hour and a half which brings us to 7 or 8 pm…
do a little studying on the side but mostly day dream in front of the books and eventually realize there is no point and so focus on white noise.
A white noise the compromises, for the most part, of meaningless gatherings, movies and books that provoke ZERO thought.
The words I NEED a new blah blah are now common place. And that thought… catching yourself thinking that way… trying to trick yourself into needing something just to give yourself a sense of purpose… well its pathetic…. Not only because it’s a fake sense of security and a flimsy attempt at avoiding to see the scream out loud fact that you are a waste of space and more importantly a decent amount of non perishable food substances that could potentially save an orphan or two but also because when you buy these lame things you try and find joy in them when you despise shopping. What’s to be said about a person who tries to force herself into superficiality. What’s to be said about a person who tries to convince herself that these things make millions happy everyday and so the flaw must be in her way of thinking… that there must be joy in them if only she were to look hard enough. To see myself slipping into that mentality is a frightening symptom… A symptom of the “The this is my life its comfortable and happy” disease. The “I don’t want more disease…” The “I’m bigger than wanting …” “ there is not point to any of it” disease. And while I can agree that to most it is a blessing I should be thankful for In my case I’m thinking its starting to become a shift from satisfaction to statusfucktion. And when the light bulb goes off and you see this its like you’re left feeling like you are the reason for your unhappiness. An internal struggle. You potentially have it in you to do whatever it is you want to do. But the question is… what do you want to do? Where is the passion? Where are the things that will make you want to get up in the morning and how do you find them? But because you have an ok thing going… a decent job, a reasonable social life, a family that loves you and a routine.. you wait…You wait for Godot to come and guide you… but Godot doesn’t come and you don’t toss it all in the air and take a leap of faith… So you’re stuck in an infinite state of suspended limbo. Neither here nor there and let the disease take you over. You succumb to it. And soon enough you’re just a shell or a skeleton of who you once were. And chances are… IF and when Godot comes… you’ll make excuses… a million reasons why you have a good thing just right here.