October and its pink ribbons

Another fight for no reason… The regular mother and daughter stress… I yell and she doesn’t yell back… I do not feel the wrath in her voice this time and when she responds, completely uncharacteristically, her eyes fill up with tears and one sole drop slothfully caresses her cheek down to the corner of her mouth…
I’ve gone to far…
and my pride won’t let me fix it now… its too late…
I storm out the door and head for the nearest open space… trying everything to keep my mind occupied… perhaps the weather… yes the weather…. the weather could definitely do it…
Its just getting colder now… the kind of cold that makes you a little uncomfortable but strangely refreshed … The air is crisp and the leaves are wonderful shades of red orange and yellow….
Roy….
An acronym for the first three colors of the spectrum that make up light and sunshine.
Sunshine….
now a waning memory… fall has taken over and the warmth of the sun will soon be forgotten…
A somber mood comes over me… I stroll through the park and notice that pink ribbons hug the trees… and somewhere in the far of distance Melissa Ethbridge’s “I run for life” is faintly playing in the background. A sudden erie romanticism comes over me and I continue to wander around aimlessly and contemplate… glossy eyed and almost tearing…
I remember last October…
How I couldn’t stop myself from crying at every possible moment… every advert on TV… every pink ribbon, every fundraiser and every damn self examination guide I came across… I cried and cried and cried some more… I cried while staring at the pink background on my desktop at work and I also cried when i attempted to shake off the thought at the soap dispenser that filled my hands with pink goop. I kept myself from being around her… I tried oh so profusely to hide my fear… my sadness… my childish selfishness…and as if that wasn't bad enough....I jumped to conclusions... that’s what I do… and the reason I was falling apart. The captian of my own demise.
I saw the end before the beginning was confirmed… I became the victim and in the process forgot that she must have been going crazy with fear, anger and the need to be strong…. I don’t know what scared me more… knowing that without her I am an empty hollow shell lacking in personality and in character…that she was and is my anchor, my support, my comfort and that with her gone… no one would ever care as much, worry as much, or remotely listen as much… I’d have to be alone…Or was it that I knew I’d taken her for granted all these years that because she was the one who loved me regardless she would inevitably have to be the one to suffer the consequences and abuse.
Is this how I love?
And if so what kind of love is that?
It makes no sense…
I snap back to today’s fight and my thoughts wander off to play in dark places making conclusions and conjuring up a drama that I pray is entirely based on faulty deductions:
1) She typically picks fights over useless petty things when bigger things are stressing her out.
2) She had a mammogram done this morning.
3) I remember her looking at me with the same teary eyes she did today when I asked her what was bothering her a week ago… “Nothing I can’t handle. Absolutely no point in making you carry my burden as well… its not fair…” she said with a broken smile.
4) I immensely over reacted the last time… making the idea of her even thinking of telling me a stressful thing all on its own.Could this be her way of protecting me?

I am afraid to face the thought… and even more afraid to ask… I so desperately want to believe that I’m completely totally and utterly conjuring all this up… that its all just a concatenation of my imagination…. and so… for now… I cast it aside… pile it onto my to do later list…. To think later list… to become later list… and focus… focus on now… today… this moment…the pretty park, the fresh air and the colors of the falling leaves. I muster up all my energy to breathe…. and stroll some more.

Lemons

2:55 am… infomercials are the thing of the hour… each promising a better life… clearer skin… a firmer body…easier cooking… better cleaning…. and last but not least… a fulfilling love life…a plethora of channels and not one single decent thing on to drown out the noise in my head… the thoughts that eat at my soul…the sad ordinance of my life...anything to numb the mind and keep it away from evaluating the inadequacy of just being normal. But there is none… no answer… no truth… no point…just time… years… months… days… hours… minutes and seconds…and no matter how they are spent…they pass…the successful succeed… the happy continue to find joy… the important excel at significance…and all the while the oblivious grow in ignorance and the bland continue to loose flavor… there is no zest for life…just lemons…

Just Breathe!

I find it odd how at one point in time you can’t breathe without a persons existence in your life and at a different time you’re completely oblivious. I wonder about the human ability to immensely complicate things at times only to be blown away by the simplicity of it all in a moment of clarity. Truth is…. your breathing… your personal ability to draw air in from around you in order for your body to function… that breathing that you think you wont be able to do without this person… it’s totally and completely unrelated to the world and all that are in it. Truth is… you just think it hurts to breath and you convince yourself that you’ll never be able to do it again… but surely enough… one in hale and exhale at a time… one distraction after the other… on conscious decision after the next… and one too many chats with yourself in the mirror… you finally snap out of it and you breathe… you breathe once you breathe twice and you breathe some more…and soon enough… you don’t even think about it anymore till one day something triggers a memory of the person and you get it…an epiphany of sorts… you’ve been breathing since!