Friday, December 29, 2006

The neu yeer rezolushions

I’ve decided not to resolve to go to the gym more often. If shamoo got along just fine I’m sure I can manage aswell.

I’ve decided not to resolve to find happiness, I spend enough time as it is looking for my keys. It just doesn’t make any sense to be wasting the rest of it looking for something I can’t even define. I’ll do something more productive. Two letters! TV. “Time well wasted”.

I’ve decided not to stress about the “what am I going to do and where do I go from here” and because I tend to forget about this, I’m gonna use the incredible hulk as a visual reminder that the push and pull of a constipation face are accompanied with, but by no means justification for the popping veins, arteries and stretch marks that are bound to make an appearance along my neck with age.

I’ve decided not to let my chiwawa imitating cubicle buddy’s snoring deter me from taking the shorter path past his cubicle to the water cooler. Sayantandamo ila the ho-hum white noise that surrounds me at the office.

I’ve decided that being a “lady” doesn’t mean I can’t swear to express myself. Tthere is absolutely nothing wrong to resorting to having to slip a “motherfuckin” ever so quickly and so often in between words of “imprortance” like annual and report to blow off steam. I’ll mimic the splicing of porn images through out chuck palahniuk’s fight club. You never know if you actually saw/heard what you did but it’s in there! Was it your mortherfuckin imagination playing tricks on you again or did I just actually say “motherfuckin”?

I’ve decided that not resolving is just the same as resolving and so I will resolve to abandon the resolution process or lack there off.

P.S one more: I’ve resolved not to knock curling as a sport.
Play It! Don’t watch it!

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

The scenic route gets you there.

I haven’t posted anything in forever, and every time I write something it’s on a diskette somewhere and never lands on here. Usually nonsensical ramblings in my mind and so perhaps better that way. But today is different. Today I have something to share other than my ever-present nonsensical whirlings of thought.

I went to a conference on the weekend with a girlfriend of mine that I hoped, as the name mentioned, would “Revive my Islamic spirit”. I’ve never actually been to one of these events in all my years in Canada and will admit that I’ve had a bias towards them that wasn’t entirely based on experience but largely on prejudice. I’ve always just assumed that such events like this would be a lot more hardcore than I could handle and that I’d come home feeling worse about myself and my practice than I did going in but, I was more than pleasantly surprised. It was refreshing to see so many Muslims gathered in one place in the most wonderful way. Lots of salaams, loads of smiles and best of all no chaos. The website was updated throughout the weekend, the sessions were on time, the bazaar was full of reading material from Rumi to Ghazali and hardcover picture books of ancient Islamic architecture to children’s stories lined the tables. The washrooms were magnificently maintained and the audio levels alongside the visual displays were impeccable. You could hear the speeches wherever you sat and could clearly see the speakers on the big screens. I also finally managed to land myself a CD with solely the nay on it. I’ve been hunting for this sort of thing for my Sunday bubble bath for ages now to no avail. Even better still, not only did I make the acquaintance of an incredibly sweet Turkish uncle who makes the funkiest jewllery but I also discovered that he could hook me up with some nay lessons! I ran into almost every single Muslim I’ve ever met since I moved here, I chuckled at the mc’s introduction for Ihab tawfik’s asma2 allah il husna performance. Cuz there is absolutely nothing funnier than an mc struggling with the words “sa7rany”, “tetraga feya” and “ya salam” as he pretends to be an announcer for the wrestling federation moments before Ihab busts out into anasheed deneeya. The screaming higabi and niqabi teenagers at Outlandish’s performance was also a refreshing flash of reality and helped me realize that perhaps we’re all in the same boat. A boat where it’s not so easy to keep the faith the way each and every one of use would like and that everyone slips here and there surrounded by temptations that are way more accessible than is sometimes good for the average human. And though the speakers were wonderfully eloquent and delivered speeches about modesty and finding a middle ground between assimilation and integration it was the rabbi that gave me something to think about. First and foremost, I thought it was incredibly clever for the organizer’s to invite this gentleman to speak at the conference along side one of the most influential shaykhs in North America. The visual image of them sitting side by side alone projected a message that for the most part the world does not get to see. They both spoke about the same topic but each in their individual respect and from both their speeches I think I was able to draw my own conclusions. The rabbi‘s speech tickled my fancy and gave me just enough to make me see that I know close to nothing about Judaism and that perhaps It was time to unveil the shroud of ignorance. I crack me up with my extreme sense of drama! Who says that? Unveil the shroud of ignorance? It’s too good… its got nuts and cheese written all over it. Anyways back to business. The rabbi spoke of the word YHWH, better known in English as Jehovah, four letters that are not to be pronounced in Jewish tradition. This concept on its own has profound meaning and in it extreme wisdom as well. It is typically human to want to label things. Our need to identify and point a finger is what gets a lot of us into trouble seeing as how it is the basis for stereotypes. Place a label on something and you limit it to the capacity of that name or more specifically people’s ability to comprehend the full scope of the idea or the object. Take away the right to put things in a box and doing so you allow the idea or object to retain its meaning or attributes. I think I’m onto something here….

Labels limit that which is being labeled to the scope of how those who identify it understand or define that label.

And so the letters in the word Jehovah, written YHWH, are symbols. The first letter indicates the future tense and the last three denote the present. The idea, as this rabbi put it, is that the word for God is a power capable of transforming that which is now into that which it should be in the future. There is sheer brilliance in such a definition, it is abstract in nature yet extremely expressive. It allows room for each to draw their own specifics not limited or constrained to things that limit the soul and imagination. And after reflecting on the nature of the word and its lack of constraints I came to the conclusion that this too is how I relate to Islam. All these rules that sometimes seem stringent are generally those placed on ourselves through the projection of what these rules mean to others. The arrival at this thought was strangely liberating for me. Seeing the guidelines as means of empowerment as opposed to a means of suppression or repression has me walking on air. The rules are what I make of them. I create my own reality. And as long as I don’t go around killing or stealing then I figure I’m fine and that it’s all relative. It’s strange that it was the rabbi that indirectly helped me see this fact. Another interesting thing I learned through my follow up reading was that the word Elohim used instead of Jehovah is a Hebrew word that expresses concepts of divinity. In a grammatical sense it is a plural noun governing a singular verb in essence a plural that refers to a single deity. A concept that I could best relate to the many names of Allah. And in all this comparing and contrasting between religions and beliefs I’ve just reiterated and made tangible in my own head the fact that we are all the same. Much like the unique branches of a tree each filled with leaves swaying in the wind at their own leisure but all quintessentially from the same root.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Just add water

As I get older I’ve started to notice that I’ve developed a refined taste for the sort of outings I enjoy. The excitement of getting away with the regular run of the mill loitering at random places specifically prohibiting casual lounging doesn’t seem to cut it for me anymore. I have needs damn it! There needs to be substance. I need to come home feeling like.. ahhhh I’m glad I got dressed. I mean really all the freaking bending over to put my shoes on and raising of arms to get my shirt over my head needs to be justified somehow. I need to be brought home with a rejuvenated sense of self and energy and I’m not talking that little kick you get from too much wasabi. I’m talking a good high. The kind that doesn’t make you want to kill yourself because you’re so far removed. And so I set out to recreate the perfect soire.

Number 1) Avoid outings with girlfriends that are confused about your relationship. A girlfriend that cries because you not calling her enough is a sure sign you don’t love her is probably a tad more drama than the average common folk can handle. Should you find yourself in said situation however, trust me when I say, hugging and reassuring her that she’s just being overly EMO and that that surely isn’t the scenario will in all likeliness encourage the behavior and increase the volume of the sobbing. Point being, you need company that’s comfortable in the skin they’re in. It not only reduces the amount of drama but also the amount of showmanship and fake flattery. There is nothing worse than being complemented on your fabulous eye make up skills when attempting to camouflage a mosquito bite. Also, remember that while talk of how walking by a mirror stopped another girlfriend dead in her tracks long enough to thank god for all her beauty and the debate on whether or not the spaghetti strap is indeed more risqué than the normal sleeveless shirt may have you laughing or entertained for a couple of minutes it inevitably gives you that feeling like you get when you upchuck a part of your food and swallow it again accidentally. You’re grossed out by yourself and can do absolutely nothing about it but cover up the taste. It is vital that your chosen company be able to thoroughly engage in intellectual conversation on a level deeper than name throwing and hand flailing. Minimizing the casualties when every single drop of mascara in the house runs out is hardly a battle to be raving about. Bells definitely need to be a ringing ages before you’re told to step a little to the left because there’s no sense in both of you being tanned, might as well help protect your fair and lovely milky white skinned friend from the sun. Long story short… make sure the thorny crowns of drama are left at home.
People who can take things at face value, don’t take themselves too seriously, can laugh, talk about random things that don’t revolve around their lack of relationships, abundant relationships, sexual frustration, restructuring of the organization they work at, THE budget, financial strife, or how the kids are teething generally get the job done.

Requirement number 2) you need a mission or purpose as your ultimate goal but recognize that it may not be entirely achievable. And I mean a true mission that doesn’t revolve around satisfying the rumbly in your tumbly. Something along lines of the adoption and implementation of operation save someone’s life by contributing a whopping dollar or to two at the art gallery hosting an auction where the proceeds go to amnesty international. You need to completely believe in the mission and its importance no matter how insignificant or dismal.

Number3) Have a severe disregard for your expertise in the horology department, take Salvador Dali’s exploding clock on as your mascot and pretend like time doesn’t exist. Stressing about getting somewhere on time just takes the fun out of ze journey.

Hope for Good weather but if not then make damn sure you have a good pair of gloves.

And last but not least don’t go out expecting to have an amazing time. LOWERED EXPECTATIONS can make a trip to the Laundromat feel like a day spent on roller coasters at your local theme park.

And voila! If you’re not an overly anal person, that’s my recipe to instant good times.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Could this be my fetish?

I think I’ve developed quite the fetish for talking to random strangers. It gives me this sense of freedom, this sense of inspiration and this sense of security. I feel like I could essentially reinvent myself each and every time. It’s totally crazy how not being able to anticipate the other person’s judgment gives me this sense of security. They have no pre conceived notion of how I think or what type of person I am. And I could essentially become anyone in their eyes… of course the novelty wears off after the first conversation and eventually people catch on that you’re not super mean, self absorbed or dim witted But its oh so much fun while it lasts. Of all the persona’s I’ve taken on in the exploration of my fetish I’d have to say that dim witted is my ultimate favorite. It’s amazing how people light up when they feel like they can teach you something you don’t already know. They give themselves value or credit for setting your knowledge straight and in that process I feel a sense of confidence come over them. The fun part about this persona is keeping it within reason and not going overboard… keeping it believable. People start to look at you funny if you’re totally empty upstairs … they wonder how on earth you’re where you are doing what you do given the lack of amazing good looks but just enough dumbness creates a comfort zone for most people.
Another fun personality is the continuously obnoxious laughing type. This persona totally puts people on edge pushes them to the max and exposes the person within. At first they’re not sure if you’re laughing at them or with them and when they figure that its not at them they grimace and crinkle their eyebrows.. they’re passive in their listening and will do anything within reason to end the conversation. If the person is tolerant they smile politely and nod in agreement but often times people will dismiss the laughter. They’ve labeled you as unworthy and would much rather conserve their energy for something else.
The deeply troubled, extremely sad persona is what brings out the gold stuff in most people I find. They listen to every single word… every sentence trying to grasp the reason for all the sadness. Unable to produce empathy most will do the best they can and at least provide sympathy. The “lets fix it” instincts kick in and all of a sudden you’re presented with a world of solutions to your “problem” on a silver platter.
If nothing more, these little experiments teach me a lot about people. They’re quite amusing and usually harmless if it is only a one time encounter.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

I vunder

1-Do the crazies know they are crazy? Does the questioning of your craziness make you a little sane?

2-Why do soap dispensers in public washrooms make you want to chop off your hands because the soap smells like stale vomit with chunks in it?

3-Is self marketing all it is made out to be? If you tell the world you are all that and a bag of chips do they eventually buy into it? Or is that just a mechanism to make people feel better about themselves?

4-Does the making of pretty necessarily indicate a lot of spare time? Isn’t it one thing to look nice and presentable and another to constantly look like you’re going to a wedding? Or should that be attributed to a magnificent ability to multitask?

5-If high maintenance is a piss off then why do we actively seek it out?

6-How can conversations with random strangers bring so much satisfaction compared to those with people who know you best?

7-To own someone’s heart in a much different way than they own yours is a privilege all too often taken for granted. A power all too often abused by the undeserving. How do you stay true to yourself, to that heart and the way of the world all at the same time?

8-I survive on the breath you are finished with. gag inducing or tear inducing?

9-How do you avoid the drama when its in your head?

10-How can stagnation be that much more powerful than change?

11-What if jack Nicolson was right and this is “as good as it gets”?

12-Why can’t I ever find Osheen at block buster?

13-Why were the subtitles in a lame color that blended into the background when I found the one episode?

14-Is it possible for someone to snap into reality overnight? And become an entirely different person?

15-Perhaps a major tragedy is in order to get the engine jump started? With great loss comes change?

16-What if I’m living my dreams and dreaming my life? For someone that barely dreams… shouldn’t that thought scare the crap out of me?

17-Can you force yourself into adulthood? The state of limbo leaves you neither here nor there no?

18-For the life of me I can’t see the art in Inuit throat singing. The rhythm I suppose is kind of cool but really other than that where is the appeal?

19-How do you get captain Majed “inahom yal3abon korit il kadam b 3onf” from captain Tsubasa?

20-Why is the ChaCha so difficult to master?!

21-Why didn’t the instructor visit the dentist when his teeth started to turn a dark yellow?

22-Why didn’t Escher use color? It’s kind of Ironic his name being Escher and all. Add a “sk at the beginning and we’re set.

Monday, December 04, 2006

A vision through Santa


The long queue of children and parents at Santa clause land in the mall this weekend got me thinking about how lucky these children are. Here they are laughing and excited at the thought of meeting Santa clause, A “terrifying” yet fictional character. I can’t help but get visual images of a boy I saw crying on a news station with the exact same zeal. Except his fear wasn’t based on a fairytale or his imagination his fear was real. A boy crying not because he doesn’t like the sound of the ho ho hoing but because he is now partially deaf in the after math of having had his house brought down to rubble with his family in it. I am constantly surprised to find that children no where old enough to remotely understand the dynamics of politics are the ones who understand the wars best. Their emotions are raw and so real. They do not know who did what to whom or who started how but all they know is that the “war” that the adults speak of… claimed a friends leg making it impossible for him to play soccer on the streets with the rest of them. This “war”, has them playing soldiers and school kids instead of cops and robbers. They do no see that these wars have taken away their childhood and forced many of them to become adults way too soon. That it has forced tears down their cheeks. It has managed to break them in ways unfathomable to many of these kids prancing around santa’s helpers. That this war has made them orphans and worse yet callus and indifferent to the brutality. Its only fit that a picture of a child, namely Hanzala be the visual symbol of the injustice.
“His hands behind his back as a symbol of rejection to all the present negative tides. 'Hanzala', the brain child of the late political cartoonist Nagi el-Ali, has been adopted because he is affectionate, honest, outspoken, and a bum. He is neither beautiful, spoilt, nor even well-fed. He is barefoot like many children in refugee camps. He is the symbol of a just cause and the official logo of the Commission for Freedom and Justice Through Humor, a recently created arm of WATCH and an affiliate of UNESCO.