The Yalahwi.

I’ve always heard about the varying degrees of ya lahwi but never actually experienced it first hand except through my regular variety of Arabic dramas and soap operas. Noor il sherif’s one is particularly loaded with them… par example: news comes of the son having gone to school to avenge himself from some bullying when the mother hears word of it and suddenly starts to gasp and grab her chest. She of course chooses her “chicer” more socially acceptable version of “yanhar abyad” , literally translates into “oh white day!”.

Side note: Does anyone else find it odd that “yanhar abyad”, oh white day, and “yanhar eswid”, oh black day, both mean essentially the same thing? Why the reference to a color at all if they’re both just as equally cursed? Any hoots side issue…

Back to the yalahwing
So for the life of me I could never ever quite figure out what, how or why anyone in their right mind would feel the need to make that gasping inhale sound while yelling those words. Its not like it relieves any kind of stress … you are after all saying it on the inhale not the exhale and you’d think if it was meant to relieve any kind of stress it would be said on the exhale. I’ve heard Arab comedians make fun of it on endless occasion but never really quite got it. It’s totally funny that way. So with all that said…my phone bill arrived yesterday…. Now in any regular circumstance one would expect the bill to arrive… after all that is what bills do… they eventually find you. My issue however, isn’t that it found me but that now I had to open it and pay it. I knew all too well that I hadn’t been the smartest cookie this month. I made insanely long long distance calls directly from my cell phone and though I anticipated a hefty bill I know all too well that the good people at FIDO, my cell phone provider, love cheer and fundraise for sodomy like it’s an Olympic sport. I walk by back and forth back and forth by the counter top trying not to panic. I’m a big girl right? I should have thought of exactly this moment when I was racking up the minutes while engaged in useless banter. So I’m pacing back and forth when me madre walks in and starts randomly opening mail. I sigh.
I’ve been momentarily distracted.
I can walk away knowing that she now has the letter opener and that if she were to accidentally open my mail and anything in that envelope were to be extremely disturbing I’d hear a shrieking “Saaandyyyyyyyyyy!”
So I stand by the door in the other room just out of sight and clench my teeth and fists, wince a little, and hold my breath… I wait for it.

wait for it…

wait for it….

Wait for it……

I’m starting to sound like Mel Gibson’s William Wallice in Brave heart aren’t I?

Damn it focus sandy! And wait forrrrrrrr itttt…

wait for it….

But nothing… it doesn’t come…
My heart is pounding with that inevitable feeling of “masdoodon masdoodon masdoood” and not only that but now I’m faced with a dilemma in logistics… Do I go da3bis aka stir things up and find out why I didn’t get called into the kitchen to open my mail, could it possibly not have arrived yet?
or do I do my usual tanish ta3ish tanta3ish? I decide to preoccupy myself with something else… I go and get ready for my post fitar outing and dilly dally a bit… anything to keep my mind occupied really. I wander back onto the main floor and into the den all prim and proper casually tidying up here and there….but this of course draws suspicion my way…
“why are you dusting the leather sofas?” My brother asks in an obnoxious voice. I could strangle him just about now…. “Ohh nothing I thought I saw something” I respond with a retarded I’m soooooo bait but I’m gonna giggle and hope no one notices anyways kind of a tone. Fitar is done and I’m all hardcore into the clean up process… every spot has to be spic and span.. the dishes in the dishwasher perfectly aligned in perfect angles. No water around or in the sink for that matter and absolutely no crumbs in the toaster.
Yes you read right. I said toaster.
I decided to clean inside it to give me an excuse for not opening my mail. I’ve done all I can do and still its too early to go out… Its inevitable… there is no avoiding it! I have to do what I have to do. I get this sudden fit of bravery I work myself up and think: what’s the matter with me! Come on it’s just a bill!! Get a grip! All you have to do is open it! assess the damage and carry on as usual!

So I’m pumped and ready to do what I gotta do…my pep talk has me all riled up and ready to face the music. I rip through the thick paper not even look at all the pages upon pages of detailed history and go to the amount due.

Let me just say that small nations have survived on less of a budget than the amount my eyes caught glimpse of. Islands and small aircrafts have been bought for less amounts. The worlds internet servers have less cables than the number reflected on that sheet of paper. China houses less people with the last name chin, chan , changs or any variying combination of the three in comparison to the debit amount on that bill!

My eyes glaze over…. I feel the sudden onset of acute Arrhythmia… my palms go clammy the blood has quickly drained from my face and before I know it. I inadvertently and unconsciously see but not feel my right arm thud the palm of my hand on my chest and in one extremely elongated exasperated inhale I hear a voice which sounds identical to mine let out a colossal Yalahwiiiiiii.
And now it’s totally eureka. I get it.