....

N: “So things look pretty good with respect to getting that job after all but I think they’ll require you take a couple of courses first. Two more should suffice I imagine.”
Me: “Has the fact that I’m leaving escaped you?”
She continues to flip through the pages of her magazine and smiles a little.
Me: “I don’t understand why no one is taking me seriously? I’m so going to do it! I will! I’ll do it and you’ll see! Do you think I’ve been going on about it just for the sake of going on about it?!”
S laughs and knows exactly why N is laughing but I’m seething and in an attempt to dampen the fire he goes: “are you hearing this? She says she’s leaving. Don’t do the thing you do where you’re ok with it until its time for her to go and then all of a sudden there are all these reasons and restraints to hold her back…If you’re not cool with it you should tell her now.”
N: “Let her be… She’ll go only to realize she’s coming back”
Its amazing how just like that they’ve managed to deny my existence in the room and they’ve carried on conversing as if I was a part of the furniture.
Me in an attempt to regain my presence: “Or she’ll find what she was looking for and rejoice because she had the guts to make it happen and decided to go”
N: “You think you’re so smart Sand-e? Everyone wants to be where you are and you… you’re running from it”
Me: “I’m sure there are a million people that want to be where I am but just the same there are millions of other shoes I’d rather be wearing. I’m not happy here! Why can’t anyone understand that?”
N: “It’s not where you are Sand-e. It’s who you are. And you Sand-e… you want but don’t act on it….Everyone needs to want… everyone needs to have a purpose… What makes you think being somewhere else will change all that?”
Me: “I don’t know that it will. I just feel like my mindset will get a jumpstart and consequently bring on the change”
N: “I wish you’d see that there is a world here that you’ve been too scared to explore. You live your life like those that require someone to put them on the ladder’s first rung. You need to be one of those looking for it! Where is your sense of exploration your sense of self worth and your sense of adventure?”
Me: Sigh… she’s so right… she’s sooo right that the thought of it alone makes it hard to breathe. I live in a bubble. I have blinded muted and made myself deaf to the world around me.
N: “You need to realize your potential and bloom… its time to bloom Sand-e. Let the rivers flow and get rid of all the stagnation. I can not give you that! You have to want it and want it bad enough to find a way to get it”
Me: “Well that’s what I’m doing. This is what I think will fix things for me. This is what will give me the oomph to want with grandeur!”
N: “But you’re fixing one problem by replacing it with another. What’s the use of wanting at that point if you don’t have the means to achieve?”
Me: “I think I’ll have to cross that bridge when I get to it.”
But what if she’s right?
What if I’m crazy to leave?
What if she knows best?
And worse still what if she knows me more than I know myself?
Why can’t I find the peace of mind I need here? I so wish I could.
What if I can’t make it happen and just as always get too scared to leave?
What if I leave, find out it was all a sham and come back empty handed?
Not only empty handed but less the hope that I might have at one point had a solution.
The waiting game and the logistics are clouding my vision. The anticipation is killing me and the outcome of it all an oh so personal mystery.