I called him today after I’d sworn off calling him. My unveiling and self exposition a couple of months back hadn’t quite played out the way I’d anticipated.
He’s started a new job just over two weeks ago and already I see a world of difference in his mood.
He’s happy.
It’s amazingly contagious when he’s happy.
We chatted for a bit about both our new jobs and the river he claims exists according to Google earth.
“I don’t understand why you don’t own a canoe?! If I were you I’d be paddling in the fog of dawn each and every day.” I think to myself: So this, I remember now, is what I loved most about you. The dreaminess. Your ability to see the world in much the same way I do.
He’s ecstatic to hear my voice but I can’t help but wonder if it is genuine or just a part of a façade. I ask about his latest femme fatale half bracing myself half curious… “she doesn’t have a fatale attached to her for nothing” he says with a sigh.
I am disappointed at his ability to fall in and out of love yet again so quickly. But who am I to judge? with my glass house and indecisiveness?
I can’t get over how right all this feels.
I can’t get over how comfortable it is to talk to him after I thought I’d hate him forever.
I can’t get over how just like that the things that pushed me over the edge and made me swear to never talk to him again vanished with the words hello.
I can’t get over how quickly I momentarily attributed it all to some irrationality or over reaction on my part.
I can’t get over how lucky I feel to be his friend.
I can’t get over how genuinely sorry I feel for him for some inexplicable reason….
And so….
just like that for the span of that phone call things briefly returned to the way they were.
In all honesty to myself I should confess that I do miss him and all the things he managed to move in me. I miss his ability to make things right with just the calm in his voice. I miss his whole hearted devotion to all my ridiculous hypothetical questions. Above all I miss how I realized how much I had to offer through him and through all he brought out in me. But I’m also thankful that things played out the way they did. I am thankful that I can sit here from the outside looking in and still manage to say all that I say. I am thankful and I am lucky.
2 comments:
Good job working through the web that is how you feel about him, you, and you in relation to him, and vice versa. seriously.
I am glad...that some of 'this' (although I need to call you to figure out what we're talking about here) is sorted in your mind. I hope that it will also be sorted beyond your mind. Just for the span of the phone call?
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